Hi, its been awhile right im not posting and update about my life. its hard for me to share. idk when will i ready to share or to express my feelings. maybe here is the best place to share i guess? if you found this, maybe you’re the lucky one cause im not sharing this to others but you can read it from here. So…… where to start?
Hmmm, okay i’ve been so stress lately. theres something happens in my life that i could never imagine and this shit is the thing that i never asked for and dont want it happen to me but who knows, if Allah said you can get it one day, then you have to face it. it depends how i react and handle this situations. I would say that my life was ruined since last year (2023) be more specific, it was July a week before my birthday. I always wish that i have an amazing birthday every year but i didn’t get once :) i thought last year will be the best birthday year but im was wrong.
theres one moment when i already knew the truth. at first theres something fishy but i tried to ignore it because like what i said, it will never happend to my life, and i was wrong right? so it happened. it hurts me alot. i couldnt imagine how hurt i am. i didnt eat for a month, i lost my weight from 42kg. to 35kg. when i knew the truth, the net day i become sick and more sick until i almost admitted. on that time i know that i have a disease where idk where and how i got from. sound like funny right? but it happens to me. and until now i will get all those symptoms but i always ignore it because i dont want it to become worst. after i knew those disease and symptoms, i thought the shit will be ended. but I WAS WRONG AGAIN. can you imagine i have to face so many things at one time? this shit become more worst day by day, i lost my appetite, i lost everything at the same time. i lost the people that i love the most, i lost hope, i lost my soul, i dont happy at all. i tried to e happy but i cant. i have to pretend that im okay in front of everyone but i failed. When was my happy day? or my happy time? NONE. i would say until now im struggling with my life. I drained. im still battling with my life. Every single day i found a lot of proof, i cant keep them but i can remember them. its so painful. idk why this happen to me? why people dont want me to be happy?
I rebel, i do a lots of things that i can distract myself.i become more eager, more risker and sometimes i feel like i dont give a fuck to anyone, especially to who hurts me. sometimes i like to see the people hurts me getting hurts. because that thing can make me feel better. am i a bad person? n right? I become a fangirl now back. the things that i left for a long time, it reappear back because i want to satisfy myself and distract myself from things that will make me hurt
I know this shit happened because Allah wanna show me somethings, the loyalty, the patience, the sincerity, the love, the appreciation, He misses me. maybe i have to change myself lf become more ti Him. I blame myself for this. but i will never forget who makes me worse everyday. I apologised myself but i dont apologise to the person who makes me. If i said i hate you until i die i will hate you. even you asked for sorry, but the forgiveness is not for you. find me in hell. i dont care. you owed me. you took all my happiness, you ruined my life until i lost myself. i will never forgive you.
yes im mad. im mad to the people who did shit to me. i become more anger until i cant control myself because they never want to clean up their mess to me. idk how to ending this. i wish one day i know the answer and i have my happiness back.things changes, people changes, hopes changes. everything changed. i wish the best from. me. i believe Allah will give me what i want back. I believe onnly Allah that can help me. InsyaAllah.
I will update soon…..bye.
Br, the lost girl.